Trying, B

As I stand trying,

the world goes on around me.

Little do I know what happens next.

I am loved by about three people in the universe.

Which is fine for most,

but not for me.

I want to be cherished and radically loved-

not for the potential but for the me.

I love but do not feel loved.

Yes, this is possible!

I am a burden to many,

loved by few, tossed and turned by the waves of life.

My depression breaks down the door.

Doors are just the polite way of coming in.

When is my turn

Or did I miss it?

I know I live in this house to learn,

but, please, let school be over.

I have tried beyond belief.

Punishing me; let this time be over!!!

I have learned.

Let school be over.

Let my freedom bells ring.

Let there be peace today!

Thank you for reading! I hope that you have an amazing day!!♥️♥️♥️

Peace; Be still

The Heavens you sketched and colored for me,

prove a love so intense that, God, it beckons me remember you.

The sunlight that this hermit longs to have poured over her pale soul, the protection of my Lord, the God of recompense.

The cream hole in the sky at even time beckons me peace; be still.

So I rest my head on my prayer shawl.

And I know that when I converse with you,

I talk to the Lover who adores me so.

When Crying isn’t an Option but a Way of Life

I want to quit but don’t know how.

Fear flows from my head to heart to paper.

I never asked for this pain,

but I did the right thing;

Now I’m stuck like the tar baby.

I weep and moan, but no one hears-

not even my dogs, because I won’t let them.

I can’t let anyone see the real me.

There’s only one who would help, but he won’t.

Just one more day-everyone remarks.

What if that one more day is my last day?

This One is for the One I Love

I leap from jellyfish to jellyfish when I talk to you.

Never the same,

smack or kiss.

I am in my blue period of life, I guess.

What suits you? Anything I do?

You hate my freedom.

You hate my dogs.

You hate me. Maybe not on the surface but deep down where people don’t like to talk about sibling rivalry.

I was abused harder, but you had it worse, right?

Why is it always a competition with you?

Who cares?

You needle and needle and fucking needle, needle, needle until no one is happy. Everyone is in an uproar but you as you inwardly cackle.

You love it when a plan comes together! Your plan- no one else’s.

No wonder my brother hates me and loves you. Needle, needle.

Mom would be so disappointed and disapproving of you and your schemes.

You drive me to lunacy then let’s take a nap together.

Who are you like- Mom or dad?

I Miss You

I cried for you today.

In panic like I have never felt before,

Mila, Beth, and more tried to calm down the crazy lady,

but I needed to peel my skin off and climb on the ceiling and sit where I could breathe and see life.

I threw a tizzy.

I had a fit.

I had a whole dairy farm, and I am lactose intolerant. I was wildly tossing gluten in the air and catching with my open mouth.

But, seriously, I cried hard, “I can’t catch my breath, I’m going to suffocate tears” for you.

I missed you and don’t know where you went.

I searched the whole world, and came back frustrated and angry.

I miss my best friend.

I miss me.

Panic Rituals

Trembling hands holding a racing thought,

How much longer until we’re home?

I can’t believe I forgot my meds.

I’m such an idiot!

Who do I think I am that I can have a normal life?

Thoughts racing around on the coattails of a unbroken thoroughbred,

Trust me, there’s nothing ugly that you can say to me that I haven’t already told myself.

Took my meds two hours ago and my insides are shaking. When will they kick in???

Everyone is against me. Nobody loves me or likes me for that matter.

One hand stops trembling.

My sister loves me.

My heart slows down.

My friends love me.

The other hand quiets.

God loves me.

I am calm.

Peace; Be still.

Upon Falling to Sleep

With all of the rain today, darkness comes as a wet, hot cloth covering the eyes of a migraine sufferer.

Stars race around,

Flakes in a snow globe.

The moon relaxes her body down almost to Earth.

My dogs fall asleep side by side with heads on my lap.

Now, it’s time for me to say Good Night Moon and soar off to Nod.

Now, it’s time for all good girls to go to sleep.

I am too exhausted to be bad.

I had a come to Jesus with Topamax.

I don’t give a red, pickled fanny how much weight you make me lose-it went.

I’m sacrificing my health in all ways to be slim and beautiful?

Really?

Slim and fit are two completely different things. One of them actually helps your body function.

Beautiful? The older I get, the more I KNOW that beauty is in the heart and shines from the soul outward to say a kind word, offer a smile, brighten a day.

So, run or ruin on along Topamax. You’ve outworn your welcome here, my dear.

So long. It’s been a kick in the ass to know you. And, don’t you never, ever, ever, ever think about returning!

The Day God Helped Me Walk

This morning I woke up without the ability to stand.

I couldn’t crawl or get back up onto the couch either

Though I finally beseeched God in prayer and could get water

But, my legs were giving and I barely made it back to my recliner before my legs gave out

So I haven’t eaten today, but have taken a slew of medicine

My spirits are up, because I serve a great God. He will heal me to walk again when I need to.

He’s a good, good Father.